Shut both the Veluxes and both the windows of the attic bedroom for the whole day.

Sleep in that bedroom that night.

The first thing that all this made me think of was this . Obviously, NTNON would have had a field day… except that I reckon the main reason there is so little satire these days is the fact that public figures are now not only far more ridiculous than satirists can portray them, but they are also inured to the effects of satire.

But that is a digression. I was in the corner shop this morning and saw the tabloid headline, "The day freedom Got Spanked ," and all I could think of was, "Whose bloody freedom? "

Surely if freedom means anything, then it means that aged perverts can hire consenting adults for a spot of kinky rumpy-pumpy behind closed doors without a newspaper most famed for its topless teenage models getting all sanctimonious about it?

I have to say that however pervy Mosley’s activities were (and, yes, shameful, too. Just email me your favourite adjectives) if this High Court ruling does anything to reduce the amount of smut-grubbing in our tabloids, then it is A Good Thing.

First, enlightenment is defined thus:

“if you have ice-cream, I will give it to you; if you do not have ice-cream, I will take it away.”

Anyway, enough of the Zen crap. Ofsted announced today that “schools narrow the curriculum by “teaching to the test”.”

Well, no shit, Sherlock.

I don’t want to be smug and say I-told-you-so (well, I do, actually) but back in October 2004 I wrote this:

A little investigation of the history of education in England brings us to the 1862 Revised Code of Practice, which introduced these very same principles into British schools.

Matthew Arnold (poet and school inspector of the 1890s) said that the system of school inspection was, “a game of mechanical contrivance in which the teachers will and must more and more learn to beat us.” Wade Nelson (professor of educational leadership at Winona State University) said more recently that, “Identifying specific teaching processes as the causal component of student success by any credible measure is so difficult that it’s practically impossible.” Prof. Nelson has one advantage over the UK Government: he has bothered to read history, and discovered the lessons learned in this country by 1897 when the system was abolished (last time.)

It was in place for 35 years last time. For history to repeat itself, we should be heading back towards sanity by 2023. And I plan to retire in 2025.

Meanwhile, the BBC has reported that “Schools Secretary Ed Balls said teaching to the test was wrong.”

Is there room on the naughty step for all of England’s teachers? I mean, how naif can you get? It’s wrong to speed, but the last time I did 70mph on the motorway I was the slowest moving vehicle between Leeds and Perth.

It is a matter of common sense: politicians can talk about ideals and principles and professionalism until the cows come home – but salaries and school budgets depend upon exam results.

And it doesn’t matter how clever the politicians, inspectors and LEA officials think they are. They will always be one step behind the teachers.

Today, Little Madam & Tiny Flirt went to Prize Day, and their school bade farewell to Year 8.

Three classes, just 45 children (or thereabouts) were saluted by the headteacher, applauded for their achievements, and commended to the college across the valley in a ceremony that was part Tom Brown’s Schooldays, part Monty Python skit, and completely in love with the children.

The Head Teacher fulfils the sterotype thrust upon him with style: a prep school head needs to be a towering intellect who presents the appearance of having rejected the Chair of Somethingorother at Oxford in order to satisfy his unquenchable thirst to nurture children rather than just coach people in exam technique. His self effacing humour isn’t just witty and slightly cruel to himself; it is also erudite, sharp as Occam’s Razor, and as well-founded as any Thomist thesis.

As you would expect with any decent school, the table heaved under the weight of trophies, shields and books won in fair fights between the students during the past academic year. But before the celebrations came a naked confession from the Head Teacher: how we recognise and address our weaknesses is as important as how we achieve and celebrate our victories. What followed was an analysis of the breakdown of trust in our society that would have won him the next election – if he hadn’t lost Page 7 of his speech somewhere between the cloudburst that brought a premature halt to morning coffee on the East Lawn and his arrival at the podium. Perfection, as I am sure he knows, is not achieved at any number less than 7.

One thing that this school has not lost, however, is that the pursuit of excellence is distracted when the doctrine of “All Must Have Prizes” takes hold. No-one present in that hall this morning was in any doubt of the Head Teacher’s pleasure in seeing every last one of the students present, his obvious infatuation with each individual, and his painful pride in handing them over to the Head Teacher at the College.

And the girl who took all but one of the subject prizes, two music prizes and one for something else, needing at least three trips to the podium to collect all her cups, shields, books and certificates and still leaving some behind for her parents to deal with – this girl received nothing more or less than an applause for her academic and musical achievements. She got more prizes than anyone else. That cannot be denied.

But not a single person in that hall this morning thought that she was valued, loved or appreciated one iota more than any other child there.