New figures published today have shown that New Labour’s ‘Ten Year Education Plan’ to woo the Middle Classes has succeeded – with affluent middle class children now getting 43% better exam results than their counterparts in poorer, traditionally Labour supporting families.

“It’s true that in some areas a donkey wearing a red rosette will get elected,” an anonymous spokesman for the Labour party said today. “You only have to look at the Government back benches to see the proof of that. In fact, look in the Cabinet if you don’t believe me.”

“So there is no point in wasting money on improving things in the Labour heartlands,” he went on to say. “Their votes are in the bag – it’s the middle class, middle Englanders that we need to win over. The best way to do that is by improving the schools in their areas. And let’s face it, there’s no point in wasting good teaching on chavs, is there?”

An undisclosed source has also revealed that this successful policy is soon to be rolled out to the health service, with hospitals in poorer areas downsizing to provide out of hours contraceptive clinics and alcohol dependency units for teenagers, while hospitals in the more affluent areas will now include special counselling clinics for Guardian-reading mums and a Botox dependency hotline.