The best place to see in the new year fireworks displays is…

…from bed in a loft conversion, underneath an open Velux, in a house in the centre of York.

Happy 2008

New figures published today have shown that New Labour’s ‘Ten Year Education Plan’ to woo the Middle Classes has succeeded - with affluent middle class children now getting 43% better exam results than their counterparts in poorer, traditionally Labour supporting families.

“It’s true that in some areas a donkey wearing a red rosette will get elected,” an anonymous spokesman for the Labour party said today. “You only have to look at the Government back benches to see the proof of that. In fact, look in the Cabinet if you don’t believe me.”

“So there is no point in wasting money on improving things in the Labour heartlands,” he went on to say. “Their votes are in the bag - it’s the middle class, middle Englanders that we need to win over. The best way to do that is by improving the schools in their areas. And let’s face it, there’s no point in wasting good teaching on chavs, is there?”

An undisclosed source has also revealed that this successful policy is soon to be rolled out to the health service, with hospitals in poorer areas downsizing to provide out of hours contraceptive clinics and alcohol dependency units for teenagers, while hospitals in the more affluent areas will now include special counselling clinics for Guardian-reading mums and a Botox dependency hotline.

A Tesco spokesman announced today that the company was “absolutely delighted” with the quality of the 250,000 applicants for the job of Shelf Stacker (Night Shift) at an out of town supermarket.

The candidates were all described by Schools Minister Jim Knight as “the best generation of teachers ever,” and should be praised for selecting “the career of choice for many highly qualified, talented individuals“.

A Government spokesman later confirmed that “up to 30,000 teachers return to teaching at a later date with added industry experience and a new enthusiasm for teaching and learning” and thanked Tesco for the invaluable rehab service they provided.

Meanwhile, the other 220,000 teachers who have escaped were described as ‘lucky bastards.”

This afternoon, after 24 hours of almost constant purgation of the family’s excessive consumption, the dishwasher threw a hissy fit.

“E 6″ it announced, mysteriously, on its display. And it gurgled ominously but still refused to drain. Probably because the Christmas Soup in its innards had congealed into a solid, sticky lump of roasting tray contents, soggy vegetables and the occasional wayward cork.

Serves it right for overeating. I would never overindulge in such a shameless way.

1. Skittles. “Taste the Rainbow.” Marvel at the feats of strength and endurance as the child endures a 72-hour neurostimulatory overload from all the sugars and e-numbers.
2. One of those toy cars that follows a line you draw on the mat. Did it say on the box, “You must only draw the line on the mat provided?” No. Not my fault. It’s not my carpet, either, so not my problem. Happy Christmas.
3. Anything that says on the box “250 pieces,” “real working parts,” “construction,” and most especially “choking hazard.”
4. New clothes.
5. Fruit. (He had a point, and when he threw it back I was quietly cheering him on.)

The massive box containing every single Thomas the Tank Engine book ever published? Now that was a hit. He’ll love you forever for that one. 

I would like to make a quick statement, and will not answer any questions. 

I understand that it has been revealed by anonymous sources that, instead of eating healthy turkey salad sandwiches for lunch, I have allowed a proxy to buy cheese & onion pasties and steak & kidney puddings  for me to eat in my classroom when no-one is around. 

I maintain that my decision to eat healthy lunches and exercise every day is something that merits praise, as it is an excellent target to aim for. Other people who eat pies all the time without having the same praiseworthy targets as me are absolutely despicable.

Not only that, but I have learned my lesson by being caught out, and learning my lesson proves that I am an incredibly praiseworthy person. Even if I have been eating pies.

The proxy who bought the pies for me did so without my knowledge or consent. I bitterly regret the distress, upset and weight gain that has been caused by this maverick whose misconduct has shocked me to the core, which again proves how praiseworthy I am.

I may have inadvertently eaten all the pies, but I am distressed and upset by it.

The real victim of this scandal is me.