That’s the end of our sex life.

There’s no lock on our bedroom door – so instead we have a length of spelter that is wedged between the bookcase and the door to stop the children from disturbing us. Crude and not quite up to expectations – but then so is sex.

This afternoon, Tiny Flirt had a tantrum. St Spelter was thrown off the balcony at the top of the stairs. His back was broken.

He has now been canonised as the Patron Saint of Infant-Induced Abstention.