Some of the things you can do whilst having a break from work can be immense fun.

You can go to a posh garden centre in a good part of town and, in front of all the good middle-class folk, order enough leylandii hedging (aka the “nuisance” hedging) for a forty foot garden boundary. There were audible gasps of horror, and one late middle-aged man in offensive golfing clothes actually told me off!

Then imagine them drafting their letters to the Daily Mail:
“Sir, Only this afternoon a young hooligan wearing shorts and driving an MPV bought fifteen specimens of that pernicious plant, the Leyland Cypress, with which he is no doubt going to inflict terror on the good folk of Middle England…”

Then you can chop down trees that the previous owner of your house lovingly planted. (It’s best to do this in front of the neighbours who will, once again, report your misdeeds to your home’s previous owner. You then get the pleasure of an audience of horrified former homeowners watching from their Honda as you brutally savage a row of miniature ornamental conifers with an enormous axe.)

Note: if you are going to allow your two-year-old son to watch you using an axe, ensure that he is suitably distracted a couple of counties away when you then hide the axe in a safe place. Tiny Flirt eyed that axe with an indescribable combination of delight and yearning. (Little Nutter wasn’t interested in it – but then he has autism, so he doesn’t need an axe as well.)

Tomorrow I am going to attack the kitchen with a toolkit. This is going to be a vicious, premeditated attack, but the room is asking for it.