August 29, 2003

Customer Service

Filed under: Uncategorized — admin @ 11:27 am

We worked out that we were paying ?32 a month for two mobile telephone contracts, but only using ?5 a month of calls between us. (It was a very difficult calculation to make, but since Darling Wifey and I have had over 13 years of university education between us, we managed it.)

Transferring the first of our numbers from a pre-paid contract to pay-as-you-go has so far taken 3 weeks, 17 phone calls (each with at least ten minutes in a queue) and two days (so far) with “no service” displayed on the telephone screen.

On the whole, I think it is a good thing that we decided to transfer the contracts one at a time…

Meanwhile, yesterday I tried to buy my rail season ticket for September. I wasn’t allowed to.

Railway customer services decided that it was more convenient for me to have my season tickets with immediate start dates. “It is easier, sir, for you to buy your season ticket at the travelcentre on the morning of your first day’s travel.

The travelcentre opens at 9:30. My train is at 7:21. Obviously the people who devised this policy haven’t had as much time at university as Darling Wifey and myself.

Then there is the “Inspector Morse” fiasco.

We are both fans of the books, and enjoyed the programmes when they were broadcast. We have also been half-thinking about buying them for a while.

Now some company or other is releasing two episodes a month on DVD. “Phone this number now,” screamed the advertisment, “to subscribe and receive every episode through the post.” Credit card at the ready, I phoned the number…

…and after half an hour on a computerised ordering service, I received the message, “Thank you for ordering Painting With Watercolours.

My favourite part of call centre operations is the “For Complaints, press 9” thing. That always makes me laugh so hard it hurts.

August 19, 2003

The Camera

Filed under: Uncategorized — admin @ 3:25 pm

I can’t believe that Daling Wifey thinks we bought the camera because it has a “cute zoom!”

It’s a 5 megapixel, f7.9 23mm multifunction digital camera. It has a fully automatic ‘point and click’ mode for Darling Wifey, and is fully manually programmable for people who know what they are doing.

I suppose the zoom is pretty cool when you play with it…

August 18, 2003

I’m just an appealing person

Filed under: Uncategorized — admin @ 12:35 pm

We have appealed against the decisions about speech and language therapy for Little Nutter.

We have appealed against his disability classification. Twice.

We have appealed against the decision to remove him from his current nursery and send him to a state “Resourced” nursery.

We have appealed against the decision to defer the assessment of his educational needs until we obey their decision to send him to the “Resourced” nursery.

And this morning the Local Education Authority sent a man round to ask us why we have a problem with their policies…

Darling Wifey needs TLC. So I’m trying to find volunteers to babysit whilst I take her out to see that piratey film she keeps going on about, and then force feed her good Mexican food and tequila for a couple of hours afterwards. Ssshhh – don’t tell!

August 17, 2003

The Wisdom of Johnny Depp

Filed under: Uncategorized — admin @ 6:18 pm

I read somewhere this week that Johnny Depp had said having children was like hanging out with very small drunks.

Then I watched Tiny Flirt trying to tunnel his way out of a paddling pool with a bucket and spade…

…and I watched Little Nutter propel Darling Wifey’s knickers off the washing line (pegs and all) and over the fence into next-door’s garden by leaping up from his trampoline, catching the line, and dangling for a couple of seconds before letting go again…

(I was seriously tempted to leave them there, just for the thought of the conversation next door: “Ken, whose are these knickers…?“)

…but having to negotiate Little Madam’s attack of the Midnight Munchies convinced me of the truth of Johnny Depp’s obseration.

“CAKE!”
“Pardon me?”
“I WANT CAKE!”
“Do you now?”
“GIVE ME MY BIRTHDAY CAKE!”
“Not in bed, and not after you have brushed your teeth. Now stop being rude or I will turn your nightlight off and take your books away.”
“YOU’RE THE MEANEST, NASTIEST, HORRIDEST DADDY IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD.”

(As if I didn’t know. I just wonder what I did to deserve a Roald Dahl character for a daughter…)

August 10, 2003

Call me “Desert Orchid”

Filed under: Uncategorized — admin @ 7:06 pm

I really shouldn’t read these books and papers. They make my head spin.

However, this is a thoroughly entertaining idea: is Autism a cognitive phenotype?

Once I had looked the words up in a few dictionaries and encyclopaediae, and read the paper a third (and fourth) time, I have to admit that the idea seems plausible: Autism isn’t a disability in the common sense of the word, but a genetic trait. It just so happens that this one has disadvantages, such as the inability to perceive and interpret “multifaceted communications.” (That’s a neat phrase I nicked from one of those academic papers…)

We can take as read all the anecdotal evidence of Autism-savants like Albert Einstein and Thomas Edison (and the bloke Dustin Hoffman played in Rainman, as he is the subject of the next question people always ask when they find out about Little Nutter…) because, quite frankly, exceptions are not proof of anything. And these people are exceptional by any definition you care to use.

These papers agree with what I have already read about four potential causes of Autism. What is new in this particular idea is the observation that, after a century, there is still no categorical evidence that Autism is actually caused at all! The nearest these papers come to this is an acknowledgement of the evidence (but certainly not proof) that an environmental trigger may “exacerbate” or “induce” a pre-existing or latent Autistic condition. An almost rational observation, but it does not support the conclusion.

The papers blame the desire to find a cause of Autism on what they call an “emotional and material balance sheet” – we parents are only demanding a cause so that blame may be attached to the condition in order to allow understanding and acceptance. It also allows the non-Autistic to consider the person with Autism as somewhere ‘below’ them in terms of perfection, and in need of a cure.

(However painful it was to discover that Little Nutter has Autism, I don’t want him “cured.” Autism isn’t something he suffers from – it is him.)

What struck me most in these papers, though, was a collection of observations about genetic traits in families with no history of diagnosed Autism, but demonstrating “non-diagnosed pre-existing autistic traits.”

First: individuals who are mostly female and notable for the chaos they inflict upon their otherwise socially pragmatic family cultures. (I think I have mentioned my Mother-in-Law a couple of times…)
Second: socially apathetic family cores. (There is a reason why my side of the family is rarely mentioned. They don’t do anything interesting.)
Third: individuals with a low IQ but overdeveloped social skills, contrasted by individuals with a high IQ but underdeveloped social skills (aka “Williams’ Syndrome” but it could just as easily have been named after certain families joined together by Darling Wifey and myself.)

The reasons for these ‘opposite’ traits is because, prehistorically, social cognition evolved in two different, and opposing, ways. Autism is the result of the combination of these two opposing methods of cognitive evolution.

So, according to the idea, having an Autistic child was inevitable because Darling Wifey’s family and my family are not socially compatible. We shouldn’t have bred because of a theory that looks to me to be identical to 1920s style eugenics! Except the traits described (and offered as ‘proof’ for the theory) are about as objective as a horoscope. “Capricorn: your mother is as mad as a bag of hedgehogs and your mother-in-law could turn the Dalai Lama into Hannibal Lector. You will have an Autistic child.

Still, if it works for racehorses…

August 8, 2003

Planning Early Retirement

Filed under: Uncategorized — admin @ 5:39 pm

I know, I know. I’m 34! But I don’t want to work a minute longer than I have to.

Standard retirement age for teachers in this country is 65. However, according to one of the teacher’s unions, the average life expectancy for a teacher who retires at 65 is 65 years and nine months.

Two phrases come to mind: “grim” and “no bloody chance.”

Warning: boring bit follows:
The minimum voluntary retirement age for teachers is the tender, nay frisky age of 55. The drawback is something called “Actuarially Adjusted Calculations.” The combination of ten years extra pension payout and ten years fewer contributions means that they will give me less money. 25.2% less money. However, if I increase my contributions by just 8%, and offset it against some complex calculation that only works when the moon is full, I can retire in 20 years, 11 months and 21 days.

I want one of those watches that counts down.