Darling Wifey (genus Me oportet propter praeceptum te nocere) is what can be described as an experimental snackaholic. The chillers by the entrance to the supermarket are frequently stalked by packs of these creatures, whose feigned co-operation only shallowly masks ferocious competition. Weaker (or lower fat content) inhabitants of the cabinets are picked off at an alarming rate as the swarm ravages the shelves for exotica like extra virgin balsamic winter herb dressing and seven leaf salad. Back in the domicile, Darling Wifey devours these insubstantial morsels to mark the beginning of the Dieting Season – a short period of abstinence that concludes three days later when the menu for the local pizza delivery service is retreived from behind the microwave.

Little Madam (genus Non est mea culpa) is a social eater: anything that gets in the way of conversation, such as actually eating the food, is to be avoided at all costs. The mealtime ritual consists of telling fellow members of the domicile where to sit, which cutlery to use, which cup is given to which individual, who has the largest portion of vegetables and why she should just skip the main course and go straight for the ice-cream. Her diet is supplemented by regular foraging for fresh fruit from the kitchen table (of which she takes only one bite per item) and lollipops from Grandma’s house.

Little Nutter (genus Id est mihi, id non est tibi, more commonly known as “The Hoover” due to his eating habits) is a voracious feeder with no known limit to his appetite. Feeding times vary, usually commencing within 90 seconds of waking up in the morning and can be sustained throughout the day; they have been known to continue even after the onset of sleep. This creature is rarely seen without a morsel stuffed somewhere about its person. Table habits vary according to the sloppiness of the menu and whether Finger Painting will be a profitable mealtime entertainment. The source of the food is not of interest to Little Nutter, who will happily clear his neighbours’ plates if they aren’t careful.

Tiny Flirt (genus Magister Mundi sum) is a constant feeder who is currently discovering the joys of spoon feeding and the rapture of new flavours. Mealtimes are messy occasions due to the enthusiasm of the Dinnertime Dance, which commences the moment a bib is produced and usually outlasts the supply of food. Every mouthful is welcomed with a cheer, spattering food over the hapless individual on feeding duty and rendering him/her at risk of being eaten later. Mealtimes are usually concluded with a wash and change of clothes for all concerned.

Yours Truly (genus Mellita, domi adsum) is an indiscriminate feeder, preferring large portions of anything that does not require picking apart for tiny morsels of gastronomic delight. Delivered food is preferred, especially if it arrives with beer and can be eaten out of the carton.