The Catholic Family Planning Computer
The Catholic Family Planning Computer
Catholic Family Planning (or Vatican Roulette as my pharmacist friend calls it) consists of predicting ovulation and abstaining from intercourse when conception is likely, but undesired.
Old Joke:
Mr Smith and Mr Jones had lived next door to each other for almost ten years. Smith, the Catholic, had one child, whilst Jones, the Protestant, had five.
“How come you only have one child,” asks Jones one day, “when Catholics can’t use contraception?”
“Easy,” answers Smith. “I only have sex during the Safe Period.”
“Safe Period?” asks Jones. “What’s that?”
“Every second Thursday, when you’re out at Lodge.”
Of course it is an easy object of ridicule, because it is only as good as the couple practising it. But then there are no side-effects, and when you decide that you do want to conceive, your good lady wife simply consults her charts and advises you when it would be a good idea to Stand By Your Bed.
After nearly ten years of successful use, I have come to the conclusion that the Catholic Church’s preference for this method has nothing to do with the sanctity of life, but a delight at being able to tell married couples that they can’t have sex either. It must be killing some of the elderly clergy that they have to let us know that there is a Safe Period at all…
So someone has invented The Catholic Family Planning Computer.
Darling Wifey uses this gizmo to take her temperature, and I quote here from the manual, “from the same orifice” every morning, and marks certain, erm, significant monthly events by pressing a red button. The colour co-ordination here is a suitable aide-memoire.
“Not tonight darling. I pressed the red button today.”
or even better
“As the risk of war increased, President Bush spent the day with his finger poised over the Red Button.”
After a cycle or two, the machine has gathered enough information to warn us of impending fertility. A red warning light means that I get a slap. A flashing red light means that I get the tent in the garden. A green light means that it’s time to reach for the Batman costume.
?
What makes this machine particularly Catholic is the “punishment” function:
1. You must take your temperature at about the same time every day. If you go beyond 2 hours, it will refuse to take your temperature, and extend the “red light” period by two days.
2. If you have a fever during the red light period, the following green light time is reduced as a punishment for being a sinner.
3. If you accidentally press the red button when you shouldn’t have, then three days are allowed for you to correct it. Otherwise, no green light. (Three days was good enough for Jesus. Not that Jesus used this machine, but I think you know what I mean.)
4. If you forget to press the red button one month, you will not get a green light at all for the next cycle.
5. If you forget to press the red button three cycles in a row, the computer will cast your data out, and there will be wailing and grinding of teeth.
And all this punishment for only ?60!
Dear Writer,
This has to be one of the saddest web pages I have stumbled across in a long time. It is entirely negative and the writer is obviously feeling frustrated and hurt. Forgive me for saying so but this is my honest opinion. The writer has tried to use humour to hide their anger but it is all the more evident.
Many, many years ago, I had confession with a wise old Catholic priest and I told him that somebody at work was making me very unhappy and I didn’t know how to deal with it in a Christian manner. He replied that I pray that this person be happy, successful and grow closer to God. I did pray, though initially through gritted teeth! The more I prayed, the easier it became to pray for this person. I put my trust in God and prayed patiently and after a time, great and positive things happened.
I would pass this advice on to anyone. If people are making you so unhappy that you feel the need to use your gifts to create this type of material there is something wrong. We should deal with our issues in a positive way and only then can we feel peace and happiness and so will those we pray for.
May I recommend “Imitation of Christ” by Thomas A Kempis. It is a deep and spiritual little book. I found it really touched my heart and answered many questions for me.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to comment.
Take care.
Ann-Marie
Comment by Ann-Marie — September 8, 2003 @ 11:41 am
Ann-Marie,
I just found your message tonight when I was doing some maintenance on these pages.
Thanks for your post – and you are very welcome to make comments – but I think that you have missed the point. I also think you have made your judgement on a very narrow selection of entries.
Life has its ups and downs – and my blog reflects that. There are passages that reflect the frustration and hurt of life in a crummy job and caring for a profoundly disabled child; there are other passages that reflect the joys of life when the crummy job leads to a wonderful job, and when the disabled child makes a breakthrough that we never thought possible.
I don’t think that this blog hides anger any more than it hides joy – or hides defiance. I do think that whilst certain entries are entirely negative, others are entirely positive – and more still are only taking the piss.
I embrace my life – because even when it makes me angry, even when I am frustrated and hurt, my life is rich, stimulating and satisfying.
Thanks for the recommendation of à Kempis. Mystical asceticism is a rewarding area of study, I agree, but in the extreme it would require certain sacrifices that are not consistent with my obligations to my wife and children, especially given the disability suffered by my son. When I took on the vocation of marriage, that necessarily included an acceptance of the worldly responsibilities of being a husband and a father, and my prayer life must support, not supplant, those responsibilities.
As I often find myself saying when I am in ecumenical meetings: denial of our worldliness is as heretical as denial of our destiny in the hands of God.
Comment by Exiguus — December 24, 2003 @ 12:21 am